Wonder Woman 1984 Review:
The Longest Episode of Twilight Zone Ever
*This will contain spoilers for Wonder Woman 1984.*
Now y’all know me, I go into these movies wanting to like them. I really do. Hell, I’m the one who dragged the girls out to go see Birds Of Prey because, after the cock up that was Suicide Squad, how bad could it really be? The first Wonder Woman movie wasn’t the best superhero movie ever but it was the best DC film to hit the big screen since Man of Steel and it’s clearly going to stay that way. This new Wonder Woman movie is just a goofy mess of more wasted potential.
My first impression of WW84 is that it was funny but not in a “Billy Batson is such a goob” way but more in a “Bitch what is you doing” way. The movie opens on a solid scene of young Diana trying to win an Olympic type game back in Themiscyra. She cheats and Antiope keeps her from winning and we’re treated to a wonderful lesson about being truthful. The movie then goes full speed in the other direction with the most over the top, batshit crazy heist scene ever. The heist itself, fine, the getaway however goes from 0 to 60. One of the burglars drops his gun and it causes a panic, but instead of trying to get away for more than 30 seconds he grabs a little girl and drops her over a balcony.
The decisions don’t get much better from there.
Pedro Pascal as the villain Max Lord is actually quite a treat if I’m being truly honest. He is personable, enigmatic and clever. He’s running a ponzi scheme to lure in investors for his oil company, but the land the company owns doesn’t have any oil. The crux of the plot is that he bought one of the stolen artifacts on the black market and after the FBI seizes it, he donates to the Smithsonian as a ploy to get it back. The artifact is a type of monkey’s paw/wish
granting stone that only gives one wish. (see Monkey's Paw Legend) He does the smartest thing possible and wishes to become the stone itself and then uses clever language to get people to make wishes to benefit himself.
Kristen Wigg plays largely herself as Dr. Barbara Minerva, a gemologist working for the Smithsonian. A job that required several rounds of interviews for her to get, but she immediately puts it in jeopardy by giving away the wishing stone to Max Lord. Although Dr. Minerva has several other degrees the writers need you to know it’s not because she’s super smart or highly motivated. She got them because she can’t make friends. This fact coupled with Mr. Mando’s raging big dick energy is why she puts her livelihood on the line as far as I can tell.
Diana isn’t really any better either, she knows that Max Lord is a bad guy but doesn’t clue her new bestie Barbara in. Then once Steve shows up, (in the body of another dude no less), she just decides to put the whole plot on the back burner. I mean, how many days did she waste laying in bed with him and then showing him around D.C. before finally tracking down Max Lord’s office. Moving on from a dude she knew for a week tops is not one of her many super powers, so we have to watch the couple waste as much time as humanly possible being cute.
Roughly an hour goes by between the first two action scenes and the chase scene when Steve and Diana finally catch up with Max. There are two random ass children on the highway for Diana to nearly kill in the name of saving them and letting the villain get away. From that moment forward, Max Lord goes full Chaotic Evil just granting wishes until the whole damn world somehow comes to the brink of nuclear holocaust.
The majority of the film comes across like a campy 80’s movie instead of a concise ode to the decade. It was like they tried to immulate Guardians of the Galaxy but slid into Teen Wolf territory. No moment is more evident of this than when Diana lasso's clouds for the majority of the movie in order to travel, but then learns to fly from Steve with less instructions than your basic YouTube tutorial.
Additionally, it was too long and they recycled the same formula from the first movie where we have a much more interesting female villain be the henchman of the underachieving male villain.
I meant it when I said, I liked Pedro Pascal as Max Lord but as I’ve previously stated, we don't need trumped up male villains for our female heroes to prove their worth. The movie would have been more interesting if Barbara actually had a backstory to go with her ludicrous actions. Or, how about we build on the relationship between Diana and Barbara so when Diana tells Barbara that she’s losing her humanity, we as an audience can actually give a shit because we’ve seen Barb be human.
The whole movie concludes in the most unbelievable way possible with every single person renouncing their wish and there being absolutely ZERO CONSEQUENCES FOR THE WORLD ALMOST GOING TO SHIT. A plot point almost as useless as Diana's golden armor.
Oh, there is a Lynda Carter cameo that's utter perfection! It's the only redeeming moment in the entire film.
I’m going to go watch Soul on Disney+ and pray Pixar does a better job than this. Meet me back here on my blog for more movie reviews and don’t forget to follow Head Nerds in Charge on all platforms and you can follow me @TeffyWonder on Instagram!